Chapter 6 - The Most Troublesome Celebrity
TL Note: there will be no schedule for releases. But I will try to get 2 to 3 chaps out every week.
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　 To Xiao Yi, everything that had happened was like a Cinderella story. Just half an hour ago, she had been at a six star hotel savouring high-grade red wine while wearing a 120000￥ foreign dress, attracting countless gazes. But now, she had already changed back into a discounted singlet[1] from the night market, denim shorts that had been washed until they were white, and faded new balance[2] sports shoes. She was sitting next to the window in a KFC, drinking her second cup of half-priced apple flavoured soda.
　　Even though she still attracted the eyes of many men[3], but looking at those d.i.c.ks ripping apart the chicken then licking the flavour off their fingers, Xiao Yi couldn’t bear to watch anymore.
　　On the contrary, Shen Ming and Wu Neng, these two best friends, hit it off well[4]. They talked all the way to Lin Hai Mall, and after sitting down, still talked nonstop. They were bargaining over the most basic things. In the end, Wu Neng compromised. He sighed while inspecting a contract that he had already signed before, pushing it in front of Shen Ming.
“Like we agreed on, you will guard for 7 days, until the end of the 《China’s Wonderful Sound》 that Dream Jade will be partic.i.p.ating in. During this period, your Chen family’s bodyguard service will provide free 24 hour protection. If anything happens to my house’s Dream Jade, your firm will have to, according to the insurance company, pay the insured sum of 10 million as compensation.
　If you get through the protection time smoothly, my firm promises to say the name of your bodyguard service during a mid-sized interview, and show our grat.i.tude, for no more than 5 seconds. This will act as your firm’s payment.” What Wu Neng said shouldn’t be called cooperation and was no different than a contract to sell oneself. However, Shen Ming didn’t even spare it a glance and signed his name on it without any hesitation. What he wanted was fame. This was commonly known as hugging a large leg[5].
“Can you bring me to see the client now?” Shen Ming instantly went into work mode.
“Don’t be anxious. She still has 10 minutes to get here.” Wu Neng leaned against the wooden chair and took a glance at the Rolex on his hand. “Ever since partic.i.p.ating in 《China’s Wonderful Sound》, my house’s Dream Jade didn’t have any rest for 3 months. So, I gave her a break today. She’ll be coming here to shop.” Wu Neng also relaxed.
“Forgive me for my presumptuousness, but, at this critical period, you let her go off on her own…… Are you really considered a qualified agent?” Shen Ming said scornfully.
　“How long have you known her for? I've already been with her for 3 years and still can't handle this little girl. 4 years ago, from when she was 18 years old, Dream Jade had the ident.i.ty of most 《c.o.c.ky Girl[6]》, the original《Snow Buries the Flower[7]》, making her famous from north to south. Hence, only through numerous hardships[8], did I become her agent.”
　　“I have never judged anyone wrongly. She is just that kind of unpolished jade that has a diva’s temperament. However, recently, she has made me feel disappointed. Except for the first year’s results, starting from the second year, she was surrounded by a constant stream of bad publicity. No matter how I taught her self-control, she just didn’t listen. Until she caused those three little incidents in Hong Kong. Two years ago, she was frozen by the company, and I’ve been just as miserable to this day.”
　　“If I from start to finish hadn’t exploited my connections and used backdoors, as well as obstinately made Dream Jade partic.i.p.ate in 《China’s Wonderful Sound》, would you be interested enough to make a beautiful woman come f.u.c.k[9] me?” Wu Neng, full of arrogance and contempt, said to Shen Ming, “Brat, Wu Entertainment is more complex than you think. Risk and benefit come at the same time. Sometimes, for a chance, you have to sleep with someone. Other times, you have to play with your own life.”
“I won’t fuss about you f.u.c.king me, because your kind of willingness to do anything for the sake of success, is just like me back in the day.”
　“Planning on making me your G.o.dson?” Shen Ming laughed.
　“To G.o.dsons, I have no interest. G.o.ddaughters are still okay.” Wu Neng looked at Xiao Yi who was next to Shen Ming as he spoke. His eyes had a kind of desire. It wasn’t l.u.s.t, but rather the ambition to make an unpolished jade shine that came with the job.
　Unknowingly, 10 minutes had already pa.s.sed. Outside KFC’s window, a girl wearing a cap and carrying a primary school student’s backpack, pushing the revolving door, entered Lin Hai Mall.
　She was no taller than 155 cm and wore Converse flat shoes, black stockings that reached up to her knees, a baggy demin skirt, as well as a large hip-hop style T-shirt with a 5-pointed yellow star[10] printed on the chest area. On her face was a pair of sungla.s.ses that covered half her face. On her right wrist was a large black bracelet. She made people feel that she was soft spoken, had a flexible body, and was easy to push down.
Who could have thought that this little loli, who was wearing apparel worth almost 600¥, was actually the popular singer Dream Jade.
Standing in front of the door, Dream Jade opened up her arms and took a deep, big breath. This was the smell of freedom. Unrestrained shopping was a girl’s greatest motivation in life.
What d.a.m.n practice and recorded interviews? They can all go to h.e.l.l! Dream Jade directly went to the bas.e.m.e.nt, which was filled with the most people. There, the entire underground women’s shopping district was made out of cubicles. It was a feast for the eyes, everything was sold there and the prices were cheap. It was very well liked by the public, so on rest days like this, it was basically overcrowded.
　　“She unexpectedly went to a place filled with so many people, this is simply fooling around.” Shen Ming immediately stood up while pulling Xiao Yi, “Move, it’s time to get to work.”
Seeing this bodyguard get to work, Wu Neng had a leisurely appearance, and continued to enjoy his one day holiday.
　　“Boss, can this be a bit cheaper?” Inside the crowded underground women’s shopping district, Dream Jade squeezed into a shop that sold crystal hairpins. There, she faced the fat female shopkeeper, acted cute(卖萌), and started bargaining.
　　“This is just a small business, we do not bargain.” The fat shopkeeper was full of hostility towards skinny people since birth. She ate her chicken thigh and rice while saying coldly.
　　“320, just make it 20 cheaper. Give me the joy of bargaining okay(给我一点还价的快感好不好嘛)?” Dream Jade tilted her head and pleaded.
“This is just a small business, we do not bargain.” The fat storekeeper was like a walkman.
　
“Then how about this? Don’t tell anyone else, I’ll give you an autograph, just make it 20 cheaper?” Dream Jade glanced around like a thief. Outside the store, there were quite a few people moving about, however, there was no other customer inside.
　“Autograph? Are you a celebrity?” Only then did the fat shopkeeper look at the girl wearing a cap and large sungla.s.ses.
　“I could be counted as one. h.e.l.lo, my name is Dream Jade.” Dream Jade laughed as she took off her sungla.s.ses. For the sake of enjoying the thrill of a bargain, this little bit of face, just sell it!(这张小脸卖就卖了吧！)
　　The fat shopkeeper blinked her small, sesame-like eyes, looked at the Dream Jade in front of her, and was stunned. Suddenly, she threw away the lunch box in her hands and exclaimed in a Susan Boyle voice, “ Ah!!!!!!!!!!! Dream Jade visited my store!!!!!!!!!! Ah!!! A big celebrity came to my store!!!!!!!!!!!”
　The barrage of screams startled Dream Jade, and she immediately put on her sungla.s.ses then signaled to the fat shopkeeper “hush”. However, who would have thought that the fat shopkeeper had such great vital capacity[12]. Even after shouting nonstop for 30 seconds, she still wasn’t out of breath. If she partic.i.p.ated in 《China’s Wonderful Sound》, she'd probably be even more popular than Dream Jade, huh?
　　Followed by the sound of a pig getting slaughtered, the entrance to the fat shopkeeper’s store was immediately surrounded by people wanting to see what the commotion was about.
　　“You weren’t honest at all! I’ll never buy anything from here again! This place is horrible! Absolutely horrible[13]!” Dream Jade put down the hairpin, and without waiting for everyone’s reaction had already escaped by squeezing past the crowd.
　“She…….She’s Dream Jade!” The fat shopkeeper finally took a breath. That one sentence made the crowd outside the store extremely excited.
Dream Jade?! Currently, she was the most popular female singer. In an online vote about “which female celebrity you wanted to f.u.c.k most”, she gained 2nd place(1st was Fourth Lady). The news of her being in the women’s shopping district spread around like someone had thrown a bomb there. At that moment, everyone became crazed fans, shouting “Dream Jade’s” name, they joined the large army chasing the star[14].
　　“Dead! I'm so dead! When Wu Neng finds out, he's gonna scold me to death!" Dream Jade swung her arms as she ran away. Unfortunately, no matter what she did, her short, slender legs could not run fast, so the people chasing her became more and more as time went on. Suddenly, an arm reached out from the side, and like an eagle catching a chicken, dragged her into a small room.
　"You!" Before Dream Jade could react, she had already been held against a wall by a robust body, and her mouth was covered. The panicked Dream Jade wanted to resist, but the man in front of her was like an iron paG.o.da and could not be moved.
　
Right at this moment, the wave of people chasing her arrived outside the room. Unexpectedly, they did not check it at all, and just ran past it. Only then did Dream Jade notice the smell of urine, and the urinals on the wall. Dream Jade immediately understood that the s.p.a.ce around her body was the Men’s room mentioned in legends.
　Dream Jade dared to ask herself, in her life, just how many places she had been to? It was uncountable[15]. However, it was her first time being inside the Men’s room. And yet she did felt inexplicably moved. It was just that that feeling was actually nausea and a need to vomit. All men actually stood in front of that disgusting thing and p.i.s.sed. The liquid that leaked to the floor still hadn't dried! It really was just too disgusting!
　　“Listen to me, I'm a bodyguard that Wu Neng hired specifically to ensure your safety. If you don't want to sign autographs until your fingers break, listen to my arrangements.” Shen Ming showed the contract that he and Wu Meng signed while letting go of Dream Jade’s palm.
　　“Thanks for helping me just now.” After Dream Jade sorted out up her clothes, she smiled and said, “You are the first bodyguard to bring me to visit the men's room. As a form of encouragement, you've been fired. Not even 5 cents will be given to you. b.a.s.t.a.r.d.”
　　Right at that moment, from outside the men's room, a bunch of footsteps could be heard. To begin with, Shen Ming did not care whether or Dream Jade was willing, dragging her, they had already hid inside a toilet cubicle. Dream Jade originally wanted to resist, but then she heard what was happening outside the thin cubicle walls. Two d.i.c.ks had already walked in while laughing.
　“Holy f.u.c.k, did you hear? Dream Jade is here! Someone said that they saw her!” following the sound of p.i.s.sing, d.i.c.k A exclaimed.
“It’s probably just some pulling of chicken feathers[16]. How is it possible? But speaking of this, I kind of feel that she is extremely cute. Yesterday night, I m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.ed to her picture!” d.i.c.k B said.
　“He he, what a coincidence, me too.” d.i.c.k A said with a grin.
　　Right at this moment, who knew which one of Dream Jade’s nerves were pulled[17], in an instant, she charged out of the cubicle, stood behind the two d.i.c.ks, placed her hands at her waist and whistled, “Hey!"
　　两男屌也呆萌的可以，居然面对面的转过身来，手上的那话儿跟着一起转体90度，都尿到了基友的裤子上。
The two male d.i.c.ks, who were also pa.s.sably cute, unexpectedly turned around face to face, the thing in their hands turned 90° as well, and p.i.s.sed on their gay friend’s pants.
　Dream Jade couldn't stand this should be censored scene, and said with a headache, “You two d.a.m.n perverts, didn't you like to m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e to my picture? Well, this miss is right here! m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e for me to see!”
　　When had the two d.i.c.ks ever encountered this type of situation? Forget about masturbating at a G.o.ddess, even speaking two more sentences to a G.o.ddess would make them tremble. Facing Dream Jade, this kind of superstar level G.o.ddess, they were almost scared into impotence.
　　“I finally understand why Wu Neng can't sort out this little girl. She’s too naughty……” Shen Ming took out a roll of duct tape from his bosom with a sigh and walked towards the two d.i.c.ks. “Sorry, I'm going to have to wrong you guys……”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------[1] 紧身背心 google image the chinese words I’m not gonna link
[2] 巴比伦运动鞋- 巴比伦=babylon however according to 百度图片 巴比伦运动鞋 refers to new balance
[3] 男屌 literally male p.e.n.i.s 屌 is a vulgar way to say p.e.n.i.s. Could also mean cool or powerful apparently
[4] 打得火热 http://www.ichacha.net/%E6%89%93%E5%BE%97%E7%81%AB%E7%83%AD.html
[5] 抱大腿 http://baike.baidu.com/view/990938.htm TL/MTL it yourself I don’t have time to do it for you
[6] 得瑟女孩; 得瑟-to show off in an ostentatious manner 女孩- girl lit. Female child
[7] 雪葬花 - 雪=snow 葬= bury 花=flower
[8] 千辛万苦 千-1000 辛 - apart for being a way to say spicy it has no meaning on it’s own 万 - 10000 苦 - bitter 辛苦 - hardship, laborious, arduous
[9] 阴 - can refer to v.a.g.i.n.a
[10] raws said heart. I’m a.s.suming the other made a mistake since 心(xin) and 星(xing) have similar pinyin.
[11]小萝莉 小(Xiao) - small 萝莉(luo li) - loli
[12] 肺活量- http://www.ichacha.net/%E8%82%BA%E6%B4%BB%E9%87%8F.html
https://www.google.com.sg/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=vital%20capacity
[13] 差评- bad review; raws: 差评啊！差评！
[14] 追星的大军 lit. Chase star’s big army
[15] 梦琪敢问自己一生去过无数的地方 took liberties. Lit TL too weird
[16] 扯鸡毛 - 乱讲，乱扯，扯鸡巴毛，扯鸡毛
[17] 梦琪不知哪根神经被扳动了
Lit TL